Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
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If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname