*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
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I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
The best plant holders?
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.