Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
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Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Gemma Correll
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Pandas 🐼🖤
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…