Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
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I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I’m giving up for Lent.
notice
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!