“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
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I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.