Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
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trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
#Caturday
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
*me flirting
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT