Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
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[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me