If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
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“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Breaking news:
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.