#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
You Might Also Like
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
i think we should see other cousins
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!