[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
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I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.