Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Möther may I have a snäck
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
*bites zombie*
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.