Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
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I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Steam Forums
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great