*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
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Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Mmmm canned fish.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.