My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
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PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
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GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
the clam before the storm
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”