I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
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Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun