ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
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I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS