Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
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dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing