The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
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My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs