My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
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Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
ready to be harvested
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here