(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
You Might Also Like
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
My dad teaching me to drive
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?