Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
You Might Also Like
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
For the baby who has everything
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.