Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
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My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Sheep
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Looking at you, Jesus.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no