If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
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What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.