The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
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[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will