Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
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I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I’m crying im so happy for them
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.