Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
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Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
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Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.