Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
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Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
work smarter, not harder
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.