Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!