The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
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Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.