[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
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Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.