It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
🤣🤣🤣
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time