When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
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Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning