I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
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More like Kate Missington.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
You can鈥檛 be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can鈥檛 compete with how great the food looks.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
therapist: what鈥檚 on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 馃槼
Bluetick 1: I know 馃槀 that鈥檚 just Twitter though isn鈥檛 it 馃檮
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love鉂わ笍
Bluetick 1: 鉂わ笍
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it鈥檚 the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
馃槀
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!