“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
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Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.