[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
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“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes