ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
You Might Also Like
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
This is painfully accurate 😅
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.