“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
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If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER