My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
You Might Also Like
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”