Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
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I think I’m having a stroke
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential