HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
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me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
these two trucks have the same bed length
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Chicken bread
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.