He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
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by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
A ghost story
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too