When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
You Might Also Like
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.