My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
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Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.