I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
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I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Just so funny
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
going to the ER y’all need anything
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.