Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
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I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.