burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
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[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
PLOT TWIST:
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?