Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
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Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
why no one uses midhusbands
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car