‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
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Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate