I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
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Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
These are my roll models.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks