CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
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Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
This anagram machine is out of order.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
You deplete me
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Alexa; make it look like an accident
my favorite genre of twitter
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis